Tissues

Tissues pushed up against my eyes to stop the tears before they can start.

A lump in my throat that can’t seem to be swallowed.

A dread in my gut that tells me what I am too afraid to admit.

The rational part of my brain that tries to tell me everything will be okay.

The irrational part of my brain that wins out by silencing its opponent.

Leaky eyes and leaky hearts.

Tears that can’t be stopped by tissues pushed up against my eyes.

A mouth that can’t say the words out loud, for fear they will become true.

Silenced rationality and silenced words.

A trash can of tissues that still haven’t stopped the tears.

This is my today, but hopefully it will not be my tomorrow.

A resilient soul.

Battered and worn, but resilient.

A lingering hope whispering that tomorrow will be better than today.

One more tissue.

Maybe one more tissue and the tears will finally stop.

One more tissue.

One more.

Brilliant:

Photo Credit: Unknown

 

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Dear You – I Know You Thought You Loved Him

Dear You,

I know you thought you loved him.  I know that you got swept up in what felt like a fairy tale.  I know you believed that it would all work out in the end because he was your soulmate, or so you thought. And finding your soulmate means something, or so you thought.  And he felt the same way, or so you thought.

He promised he would never leave, because you told him about all of the people who have left you and he understood how hard trusting someone can be for you.

But he left anyways.

And you know that in his mind he was trying to protect you, but the only thing you can feel is that he did what he always promised to never do.  And how can you forgive that?  How can you forgive yourself for opening your heart up to be broken?

But you have to forgive yourself.  You have to silence the voice in your head that tries to remind you over and over again that you should have known better. You have to learn to trust your instincts again.  Yes they were wrong, but they were also a little bit right.  You have to learn to reconcile that.

You have to learn to move on.  Dearest one you have to move on.  I know it is scary.  I know that you are too scared to open your heart because you just think it will get broken again.  Rightfully so, you are still picking up the pieces.

Because sitting here scared isn’t going to fix anything.

You have to let yourself love again. It’s about learning to love, and yes I really do mean learning.  Its about learning to allow yourself to fall in love, and to be in love.  Its about learning to be foolish in love, because love defies reason.  Its about learning to embrace the fear of being vulnerable with another human, knowing the risks of what could happen if things fell apart, but also knowing the reward if they don’t.

I know you believe yourself incapable of love, but I believe otherwise.  I know that you think your heart just healed to break, but you are wrong.

It’s okay be gentle.  Of course it hurts baby girl, of course it hurt.  Its okay to let yourself cry, even on the days when you thought your heart had healed.  It’s okay, but also know that you are strong.  You are stronger than you know.  You are tough and resilient, and you can move on.

I know you thought you loved him dear one.  I know it still hurts, some days more than others. But you will love again and it will be magnificent, just like you.

Love,

~ L

Peonies

Photo Credit: ZsaZsa Bellagio