The Roads We Walk

“But you have got to remind yourself over and over again that there are no destinations in life.  Only roads.”  – Christin Mihai

Raod fork

I am constantly reminded of how life goes exactly the opposite way of how I planned it.  Life is fickle that way.  Sometimes I feel like Matt Hires sings this song just for me . . .

Darling, nothing ever goes exactly how you planned it
I guess I’ve been here long enough to see
That time can be your dearest friend
Or time can be a bandit
When tomorrow changes into history

And oh my my, honey everybody dies
But you got, you got to see
That you can live your life walking in a straight line
But it’s more than just A to B

Maybe it’ll find you lying peaceful under blankets
Or bleeding at the bottom of the stairs
Oh but it’s not when or how you go
It’s life and what you make it
It’s the traveling, not the road that gets you there

-Matt Hires, A to B; see full lyrics here

I am finding that even when life doesn’t go how I planned it, it goes exactly as it was meant to. Unfortunately that is something I can only understand in hindsight.  At the time I am simply frustrated.  Which makes me wonder if that is why we so often we prefer to live in memories of the past, because that is the only part of our life that can make sense of.

When we are young it can be easy to forget how long life is.  To us it seems short and slippery.  Like we have to hold onto every second for dear life lest it slip right through our fingers and be gone forever.  Time is fickle, and life never works like it should.  We become discouraged, or we believe that maybe we were foolish to try.  But we pray for rain even though we want sunshine, and we must allow ourselves to take steps backwards even though we want to take steps forward.

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Tears and Rain

I love rainy days.  I know, how melancholy of me.  I love sunny days too, but every now and then when the mood is right, rainy days hit the spot.  Today was one of those days.  This might be one of the more personal blogs I will share, which will also make it one of the more harder ones to share.

For those of you who have not shared anything artistic or personal – it is a lot harder than it looks.  It is basically putting your bleeding heart on display for the world to see and decide how they feel about it.  You may be wondering why then would I ever willing do that to myself.  Me too.  I blame my mother.  In the best way of course.  In the way we blame our mothers for feeling sick to our stomach after all of the delicious food they cooked for us.  My mother has told me two things recently that I have stuck with me.

First she told me to write more.  She is always encouraging me to keep writing, and more so to share my writing.  The truth is that probably only 20% of my writing ever makes it to this blog. It is too raw, too personal.  It is not the picture of a put together life that we have been taught we must constantly show.

The second thing my mother has told me is that we must allow ourselves to feel our emotions.  We must allow ourselves to grieve.  I have found that my heart will be sad whether or not I choose to acknowledge it.  However, the sooner I acknowledge it, the sooner I can move on.  Hearts, like youngest children, need a lot of attention.  (Did I just admit I need a lot of attention?  My siblings will never let me live that down . . . )

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Dear Heart, the World Needs Your Face

I am not a morning person.  At all.  I am the person who plans 20 minutes of hitting snooze into my morning. This is a typical morning of waking up looks like in life of Lori Rensink.

*alarm goes off*

Groans

*hits snooze*

*hits snooze*

I really need to get up

*hits snooze*

Lori Marie Rensink get yourself out of bed right now

Noooooooo

*Curls into blankets as a last chance desperate hope that I don’t have to get out of bed yet*

There is coffee . . . warm delicious coffee

Ugh fine

I then proceed zombie like to get ready and drive myself to work, clutching dearly to my coffee like a lifeline.  Just when I start wishing I could go crawl back in bed I reach downtown, and it is just so achingly beautiful.

IMG_3483

The sun is rising filling the world with color and light.  The birds are chirping busily as they have been awake for hours already.  The bell tower chimes and it is the moment when that makes me ready for another day.  In that moment the world awakens and I am very glad that I got out of bed.  Let’s be real though, I will still take my daily nap in the elevator on the way up to my office.  I am not narcissistic thinking the world needs me to go on.  I will go about my day making very little impact on the world around.  At least that is how it seems.

I go about my day making no difference at all but in slow subtle ways making all of the difference in the world.

Again not trying to be narcissistic, because I don’t think I am alone in feeling this way.  We all wake up with great ambitions to change the world and impact the lives of everyone we encounter.  Only to end up tired and irritable, feeling like we did not make much of a difference at all.  But do not count yourself so small dear heart.  You going about your life being you has impacted this world more than you will ever realize.

The world needs your face.

The world needs you.

Reflect for one moment on all of the wonderful people who have influence your life in some way.  Everyone from the teacher who was the first one to believe in you, to the barista who had a horrible week but still gave you the smile that made your day.  You have had a significant number of people who have influenced your life.  They will probably never know the depth of their influence on your life.  In turn, you will probably never know the depth of influence your life had on those around you.  But that does not mean it does not exist. 

Do not think for one moment that your life doesn’t matter, or that you will never make an impact on this world.  Let me tell you a secret: your life has already mattered. You have already made an impact.

Do not count yourself so small dear heart.

You are magnificent, beautifully created in the hands of the one who knows even the deepest and dustiest corners of your soul.  And you know the best part?  Despite the fact that you snapped at that barista today for getting your drink wrong, despite the fact that you feel completely over whelmed and self adsorbed, and despite the fact that you do not think yourself capable of even having the smallest it of influence.  He still smiles every morning when you wake up.  Because you are magnificent, and He sees the tiny ways that you make this world a better place, every day.

Do not count yourself so small dear heart, the world needs you.