I love rainy days. I know, how melancholy of me. I love sunny days too, but every now and then when the mood is right, rainy days hit the spot. Today was one of those days. This might be one of the more personal blogs I will share, which will also make it one of the more harder ones to share.
For those of you who have not shared anything artistic or personal – it is a lot harder than it looks. It is basically putting your bleeding heart on display for the world to see and decide how they feel about it. You may be wondering why then would I ever willing do that to myself. Me too. I blame my mother. In the best way of course. In the way we blame our mothers for feeling sick to our stomach after all of the delicious food they cooked for us. My mother has told me two things recently that I have stuck with me.
First she told me to write more. She is always encouraging me to keep writing, and more so to share my writing. The truth is that probably only 20% of my writing ever makes it to this blog. It is too raw, too personal. It is not the picture of a put together life that we have been taught we must constantly show.
The second thing my mother has told me is that we must allow ourselves to feel our emotions. We must allow ourselves to grieve. I have found that my heart will be sad whether or not I choose to acknowledge it. However, the sooner I acknowledge it, the sooner I can move on. Hearts, like youngest children, need a lot of attention. (Did I just admit I need a lot of attention? My siblings will never let me live that down . . . )
Which brings me to today. Yes today was a rough day. The type of day that maybe could justify binge eating cheetos, but not the type of day that deserved the amount of tears it got. I have this irrational notion that if I tell myself I am fine, that I am strong, then I can convince my heart of that as well. The heart is not so easily fooled. I think we as a society have a problem with listening to our hearts. I know I do. It is hard to do because the heart is both very strong and very fragile. Which is why I think people often tell you not to trust your heart, because that is the surest way to protect it. I have found that I need to trust my heart more as it is the truest part of me. When my heart is restless, I am restless. When my heart is troubled, I am not myself.
Which brings me back to today. I have just felt off all day. Nothing horrible had happened. I had just had a couple of rough weeks in which I had to confront how I really felt about different issues. Only I didn’t want to have to deal with them. So I kept telling myself that I was fine, as if I could mentally muscle myself through these issues. But today I realized that I wasn’t fine, more importantly my heart wasn’t fine. So like I do when I am often upset, I put on my running shoes and headed towards my favorite trails. I barely made it out of the door and the irrational tears started pouring. I started running, and yes still crying, not sure where the rain stopped and my tears began.
That is about when I noticed the green that had sprouted all around me. The first green of spring with all of its promises of a better tomorrow. All it needed was the push of one rainy day. It reminded me of one of my favorite little snippets about rain that I wrote several years ago. Rain like tears is sometimes needed to make everything better.
I would be lying if right now I were not trying to talk myself out of posting this blog. It is vulnerable, I feeling that I hate. But I will share it, in the chance that maybe you had a rough monday too. Maybe you need to know that you aren’t alone. Maybe you need some to tell you that is okay to cry. That yours tears aren’t a sign of your weakness but of your strength. Trust me, Cheetos can’t fix your problems. But tears, like a good rain, have a way of making everything a little greener and better.
I feel God in the rain. There is something so perfect about rainy days. The steady dribble sounds like a symphony played just for me by a God who loves me. There is a freedom in standing in the rain, not caring how wet I get. The water drops sliding down my face feels like God’s love washing the grim of all my hurts and worries away. As I plunge into the world of water droplets, I can be completely surrounded by God’s love and forget about the broken heart I carry with me. Rain is like a breath of fresh air. After a rain, there is a peaceful stillness that no matter what has happened in my life, or what is happening right now, everything feels right for just that moment. Life may be spiraling out of control around me, but in that moment it is just me and God. Nothing else matters, I have everything. Whatever my problems, they have been washed away by the cool sweetness that clutches to the tree branches and clings to my eye lashes.